A Novel Distraction

Text by Steven Leckart
Photograph by Kava Gorna

It took Jack Kerouac three weeks (plus coffee and Benzedrine) to churn out On the Road. For the Walkmen, three weeks wasn’t enough to finish their novel, but it did get the ball rolling. Started during a 2004 trek through the Midwest, they collectively penned John’s Journey as a way to combat the boredom of riding in a tour van for hours on end. Fittingly, the title character sets out on a mundane road trip. “The one overarching theme is just complete blandness,” laughs singer Hamilton Leithauser, “to the point where you’re always expecting something to happen and then nothing ever happens.” Though the band still has a couple hundred pages to write, Leithauser says they hope to steamroll through the rest while on tour this summer. Can we suggest some coffee and Benzedrine?
For now, here’s a sneak peak…

John’s Journey
By The Walkmen

“Jooooohhhhnnnnnnyyyyyyyy,” Emily’s voice cried from the 4th floor balcony.

John was asleep on an aluminum chair folded-out beside the hotel swimming pool. The sound of Emily’s voice woke him up but he remained motionless, hoping she would let him sleep a few more minutes. Even though John had slept for ten hours the night before and he’d spent the bulk of the morning listening to his portable CD player and dozing off by the pool, he still felt like a few more z’s would do him some good.

“John. Get up!” Emily’s voice cried, this time a bit louder.
He was fully awake now and a little annoyed.

“I’m stuck,” he yelled, hoping she wouldn’t realize that it was not actually possible that he was stuck. He used to say things like that to his mom when he was growing up and she would leave him alone for a few minutes. He could never tell if she actually believed the little things he’d make up or if she just thought he was cute or something and would let it go. Emily clearly thought he was cute and John also had a feeling she was dumb enough to somehow convince he was stuck in a pool chair – so that is what he tried.

“What?” Emily yelled, now leaning over the balcony rail and looking down at him.

“I’m fucking stuck in this chair!” John yelled. “Go back inside and make lunch, I’ll get out of this thing in a little bit and come up to eat with you.”

“Alright!” Emily yelled back.

“Thanks,” John replied, somewhat amazed that he was getting away with this.

John smiled to himself, closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep. Emily was as stupid as he’d thought and while, at this moment it made him happy because he could keep on sleeping, he was a bit concerned that in the future her stupidity could be annoying. But actually, when it came down to it, John didn’t really care what went on inside of Emily’s head as long as she stayed at enough of an emotional distance from him that he could dump her at any moment and not feel like he was actually losing anything other than a bed buddy.

John felt like he deserved a day of rest and he wasn’t going to let Emily spoil it. To calm his nerves these days John had gotten in the habit of doing something quite strange but also quite effective. He would close his eyes and imagine himself in the future. He imagined himself as a handsome, successful businessman who in his fiercely competitive field was respected by his elders and idolized by his peers. “He’ll own this damn company some day,” he’d hear from a nearby office as has marched through the hall, his tie blown over his shoulder and files tucked up under his arm. But while all of his success at work surely made him happy and afforded him a very comfortable lifestyle, it was his family that made him most proud. His beautiful wife, with whom a romance continued to burn as brightly as the day they met, was also a loving and sensible mother to their two young boys. And while their sex life was still steaming, their most profound bond was their friendship. If they weren’t watching a basketball game together with the boys, maybe they’d be outside at the grill flipping tuna steaks and drinking light beer. They’d vacation in places that not only had beaches and bars, but also history and culture. And as they grayed and wrinkled and watched their boys succeed and become interesting adults, they’d look back on all they’d done and smile. John imagined being at his own retirement party, surrounded by old friends who were sharing fond memories of his years at the company. They remembered how he’d drag out that old Santa Claus costume every year and bring a little holiday cheer to the otherwise Grinchy office. Or they’d remember being up against him at a big meeting, battling with the old veteran and, though losing, learning the fearlessness and also the grace that sometimes the job requires. So the time comes at the retirement party that he’s called to speak. He kisses his wife on the mouth, wipes his brow and begins with a joke.

So there are these two best friends living together after college in some shithole apartment on the outskirts of some low rent ski town. They sit around all day, drink beer, smoke grass and listen to CD’s. They are best best friends and one day they get really stoned and they make a pact. They swear that if one dies before the other one, the dead guy will come back and visit the living guy in his sleep and tell him what to expect in the afterlife. So about ten years pass and they still live together and still smoke pot all day and drink beer and all that stuff and one day one of the guys decides to try to fly off the roof and he climbs to the roof jumps off, breaks his neck and dies. The living guy is really bummed out but goes on with his life.

A few days later as the living guy is taking a nap his dead friend visits him. He says, “Dude, you’re not going to believe this! Let me tell you what it’s like: Well you wake up around noon, have sex, lie around for a while, eat a huge meal of meat and completely stuff yourself until you lie back down and go to sleep, then you wake up again, have sex, eat some more, sleep a bit more, have more sex then go to bed.”

The friend says, “Holy shit that’s how I always hoped heaven would be.”

“Heaven?” the dead guy says, “I’m not in heaven, I was reincarnated as a bear in Yellowstone Park!”

As the joke finished in his mind, John began to come out of the reverie of himself in the future and to think instead about bears and the amazing lives they must lead. John chuckled to himself and thought, “Bears really do have it good…I mean they don’t have to do a fucking thing except to absolutely dominate their environment. They are godlike in that way. They lord over their world and master all that they see.”

John had never seen a bear in the flesh but always imagined that if he did, it would probably scare the living fuck out of him. John was tough enough about most things, but when it came down to it, something like a bear…forget about it, he was a total lightweight.
“Lunch is ready,” Emily called down from upstairs, shaking John from his fantasies.
“Alright. I’ll be right up.” John yelled. He got up from the chair slowly and let out a loud sigh as he stretched his arms up above his head. He looked at the mess of CD’s all around his chair and decided to clean them up later. He was hungry now and it was time to eat.

THE SPRING ISSUE

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